The Dichotomy of Victims

Over the course of the past 2 decades, I have watched an ever spiraling downward trend in the makeup of humankind.

At a point where we were very close to completely squashing a great many damaging differences in us, we allowed ourselves to be played by masterful game makers.  The movie The Hunger Games has played out in real life.  Out here in average every day America we are being moved around like pieces on a chess board and according to our own personal triggers and fears we move eagerly or with great hesitation.

To instill wide spread fear in any group accomplishes one of 2 things.  There is either the urge to fight or the necessity of flight….and oddly enough, those fleeing find themselves in the arms of that which they feared the most.

We are being offered numerous opportunities to feel ourselves being victimized.  Becoming a perpetual victim gives us an eternal excuse not to change.

When I worked in the photography business doing school pictures I learned that for every situation there was a new excuse.  You could offer 4 different times for a child to have a yearbook picture made, in the studio and at school, but there were always going to be those that just could not make it on any of those offerings.  The excuses came from parents.

He never gets to hear the announcements, he traveled all summer and the make up day after school starts is just not possible.  She is not good at bringing things home from school.  We never got any of the 3 post cards reminding us….yes, that’s our address, but we didn’t get them.  Now, suddenly, it is the photographer’s job, and should be their desire, to make sure that kid appears in the yearbook.  After doing everything they can do to make it happen, short of sending a limo to pick them up,  you have to feel the importance of something they feel absolutely no importance about….at all.

Excuses make victims.  Let me repeat that…..EXCUSES MAKE VICTIMS.  And providing your child a ready excuse for every little wrinkle in their life will ensure they will remain a victim forever.  Let me be clear here.  Going to bat for them when they are right is entirely different than helping them not to be responsible for decisions and not being willing to be responsible for your own.

There are real victims in the world.  Victims who suffer through no fault of their own.  Who cannot change their circumstances no matter how much they might try and how much they might want to.  Interestingly, I find the true victims of the world are some of the least excuse driven people I have ever known.  Some of them are mad……….really mad about their afflictions but it seems that anger drives them to excel past what we believe possible.

The dichotomy of victimhool appears in choice.  Is this situation one of your choosing?  Answer: Yes – then you are not a victim.  Answer No – we examine further, but usually you can claim a victim badge if you choose to.

The Jews were victims of an outrageously heinous acts of a maniacal madman who infected like minded people to slaughter humans without remorse.  They likewise victimized the Gypsies in the tens of thousands.  The Gypsies were one of the oldest Aryan groups in Europe, but were destroyed because they did not fit Hitler’s brand of nationalism.  And guess what, they are often forgotten in the Holocaust narrative.   People working a daily job in 2 tall towers in New York and a large Federal building in Oklahoma City were victims.  And the children on sight were the most grievous victims of all.  I could list dozens of real victims that we should feel sorry for…..but you know who they are.

One example of people who aren’t victims are single mothers who chose wrong and are left picking up the pieces trying to raise their kids.  Some of them do an admirable job and are raising confident and competent children.  Others are raising their children to be excuse makers and people who feel sorry for themselves for their lot in life. Situations arising from choices made by adults.  There are no perfect childhoods….some are idyllic while others are messy.  You either take the cards you are handed and use them as a foundation to build a better hand or you throw them on the table exclaiming….”I never win, why should I try?”  Basically, I find myself always thinking “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” about anyone who daily reminds you of how put upon they are.

Parenting alone is tough.  I know, I did it and I also know that no matter how good a mother I was, I could never give my kids what a good strong father figure could.  Boys need to learn to become men from real men and girls need to learn to expect appreciation for their contributions and value.  Oddly enough, it is my opinion that much of a girl’s self esteem is forged by her father’s view of her.  If he is disengaged and distant, she will feel she isn’t worthy.  If he thinks she is the greatest treasure on earth, she will feel that too.  Some kids don’t get to have that….their mothers will work harder but they can never give what a father can.  In the same measure a father alone cannot provide what a mother does.

I have seen many people who have been put in uncomfortable slots in life and they aren’t the ones who  constantly loudly proclaim their victimhood before they even tell you their name.   We all have a label we apply to ourselves but it is important that it doesn’t become the thing we define ourselves by.

We all like to complain….it’s a National pass time.  I’m guilty of it….so are you.  When my mother was alive I would call her with my B & M sessions (Bitch and Moan).  She would listen quietly and when I finally drew a breath she would say “you will figure it out, you always do.”  And I know given what she endured as a child, a girl, a young adult and a grown up, my petty little crap must have made her cringe.  But I never heard her remotely define herself as a victim.  Mom saw herself as a Triumpher.  She took scraps and made full meals and eventually she had enough she didn’t worry.  That was huge for her.

We see it every day, kids from the ghetto rising up and becoming beacons of hope and truth.  People who endure devastatingly horrific accidents that leave their bodies unresponsive to their desires and yet they fight on, they figure it out, they motivate and inspire.  We see people lose the person they loved most in the world and instead of becoming bitter and angry, they become more open, more loving, more kind and more inspirational.  And these are the people we need to start to celebrate and emulate.  We need to stop feeling sorry for people who feel so sorry for themselves they have squashed the potential for change.  Feeding into their victimhood only enrages them because we can never pity them out of it.  It takes work and we can't do the work for them. If we do and we constantly make things easy, if we continually grease the wheels that won't turn,  they will  never get it, they will never change and they will never appreciate anything better.  And worst of all, they will never Triumph.

And so, don’t be a victim….stop thinking of yourself in the most negative terms possible.  Define yourself as a survivor or someone who has triumphed.  It is a whole lot more fun to be victorious than to cause yourself to lose every single day because an excuse is easier and victimhood fits you like a comfortable glove.